


I Wanna Sleep With Common People Like You

by Halerakii



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c., Pulp (Band)
Genre: Alex James - Freeform, Damon Albarn - Freeform, Fish mongering AU, M/M, blur - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 12:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6285115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halerakii/pseuds/Halerakii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prime Minister David Cameron visits the market one day and finds fish mongering popstar Jarvis Cocker and falls in love</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sinning™

David loved animals. Growing up in a rich family his mother and father provided their precious son with countless horses, puppies and his favourite- pigs. He adored spending time with animals, but he wasn't a vegetarian. David grew up listening to the smiths, but despite Morrissey's pleas to kill humans not animals, young David Cameron continued to do both. 

Having recently been re-elected as prime minster, ironically David found himself growing immersing unpopular among the British public. They would often yell 'Oi David, ya posh wanker!'   
It made David sad. He wanted to live like common people, so he decided to visit the farmers market to mingle with the peasants.

David was probably one of the most well known men in Britain, but none of the local shoppers went rushing up to him to ask for hugs, autographs and what not. In fact, David found himself wiping a few smashed eggs off his shoulder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper given to him by Samantha containing the food he needed to buy. He strolled through stall to stall, already bored, the low prices barely making a dent in his wallet. 

David had thought of a new drinking game: take a shot every time some grubby homeless person came up to him, moaning about how he 'took all their money' and 'killed their disabled daughter' and 'left them homeless. David's eyes were ready to fall out the amount of times he'd rolled them today. But they remained in his head, for something caught his eye. Rather, someone.

Standing in the distance isolated from everyone else was a tall, thin man with incredibly greasy hair and glasses. His hair reminded David of dominos. David was hungry. 

He twiddled his thumbs, contemplating whether he should speak to the mysterious yet seemingly charming man. He appeared to be selling fish. David didn't mind fish. He particularly enjoyed pan fried scallops or sea bream with tomato and herb salsa. 

"Good evening, what kind of fish are you selling?" David asked, swallowing his nerves. 

The man was more beautiful up close.

"Oh, it's cod," the man replied, squinting his eyes at him.

"As in, for fish and chips?" David was disgusted. What a lower class meal that was. 

"Oh yeah,"

David swallowed his pride and decided to take a couple of filets. He watched the man pack his order. His name badge had 'jarvis' scribbled on it in messy writing.

David, deciding to be bold, took the recipient and said to Jarvis: "make sure you write your number on there as well."


	2. Chapter 2

David rushed home to put everything away and hide the spontaneous number written on the recipient of the order he wasn't even supposed to get. Safe to say David's common people trip was unsuccessful, to some extent.

Jarvis. How could he forget about Jarvis? 

Not even the overcrowded, dirty farmers market could drown out the sound of his thick Sheffield accent. The pungent odour rising from the fish didn't have any effect on the Prime minister as he gazed into the eyes of the fishmonger. 

David still had an hour before Samantha got home. This was the best chance he had to make a move. 

The phone ringed, every buzz giving David more anxiety since Jarvis wasn't picking up. Finally, a soft 'hello' sounded from the other side of the call.

"Jarvis?" David asked, his voice excited. 

"Uh,"

"It's David, from the market today? You gave me your number?" David said, biting his lip.

"Oh yeah,"

"I was wondering, I'm free tomorrow night if you are too?"

There was silence from the other end of the phone. Each second felt like an hour to David as he impatiently awaited the answer to his offer. 

"Uh huh."

David had to stop himself from bouncing up and down and screaming. He did it, he got the date with Jarvis! 

He quickly explained to Jarvis they were going to have to keep it low key for obvious reasons. He didn't want to be the next Bill Clinton. 

Jarvis told him he knew a place, and gave him an exact time and place to meet. It was quite late, but David understood. He had a busy day tomorrow anyway. The good thing about being a politician is leaving late at night with no explanation to go random places is completely ordinary. David had nothing to worry about, and he was very excited about his date with Jarvis.


	3. Chapter 3

"So...tell me about yourself."

The night had finally came and to David's curious disgust he found himself hunched onto a small fishing boat, floating down a polluted river. The boat was probably average sized, but jarvis' long legs forced him to be pressed against the side of boat. 

David soon discovered Jarvis was a man of very few words. His main job was a musician but he quit music to fulfil his life long dream of fish mongering. 

"Tell me, have I seen you before?" Jarvis questioned.

David grew tense. Jarvis had no idea he was Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron. Those five words will (and have previously) ruin his life forever. He was too in love with Jarvis to tell the truth, so he lied. 

"Yes, I'm David...Rowntree." 

"From blur?" 

David of course was good friends with blur's bassist, but he wasn't sure if that was going to help his situation or not. So he just went with it.

"Yes, that's me."

"Man, I love your band. I've met Damon a few times actually he's a good friend of mine. What are blur up to nowadays?" 

Shit.

"Not too sure where it's heading," David replied. Little did he know that was the actual fate of the britpop band. 

The rest of the night went along like a dream come true for David. He and Jarvis had agreed to meet again. David even got a cheeky peck on the cheek at the end of the night. 

As long as Jarvis didn't find out that he is not in fact the drummer of 90s britpop band Blur and is actually the right winged, murdering twat that is Prime Minister David Cameron, then everything should be okay. He also needs to make sure Samantha doesn't find out he is cheating on her with legendary ex-frontman now fish monger Jarvis Cocker.


	4. Chapter 4

"You did what?" 

David was slightly concerned at how annoyed Alex was getting, but I suppose he couldn't blame him. 

"Alex please, friend to friend," David pleaded.

Long story short, a few weeks into the dating game and Jarvis wanted to meet the rest of the band. He wanted to see Damon again and meet his friends. The problem was, David is not an actual member of blur.

"David...I don't know," the bassist said. 

"Alex, I'm begging, think of all the things I've ever did for you," David replied. 

Alex thought for a moment, sighed, and asked when all this was happening. David said he would arrange something with Jarvis and get back to him.

"Why'd you say you were Dave anyway?" Alex questioned, laughing slightly.

"He didn't know I was David Cameron."

"So? Just say you're David Cameron?" Alex was confused. 

"You don't know what it's like being David Cameron, it's not a good first impression."

"Who doesn't know the prime minister of their country?"

"He said he'd seen me before and that's when I said yeah I'm in blur."

Alex giggled which resulted in a slight punch in the shoulder from David. 

"Just...don't fuck this up for me," David said.

"Mate the only person who's gonna fuck this up is you," Alex replied.

He was right.

-1 week later-

David couldn't help feel a sting of jealously when Jarvis greeted Damon so warmly with a hug. He knew they had been good friends but...he didn't like it. 

"Does he know?" David mouthed to Alex.

"Damon? Yeah."

At least that was something. Graham couldn't make it tonight because he was out of the country, and Dave wasn't here for obvious reasons. The less people who were involved the better. 

Dinner went smoothly, everything was going fine so far. They sat in David's private bar in his home, chatting for a while. Making up band stories. Alex and Damon were telling real tales, and David just nodded along and pretended it was him who was actually there. 

"So, it's that time of night where we bring out the old band photos!" Jarvis announced.

Shit.

"Nah man, Graham keeps all that crap," Alex said.

Thank god.

"Come on, you must have some," Jarvis said.

David gazed over at Alex in fear, hoping the roof would collapse the end this dilemma. 

"Next time," David finally replied.

Jarvis sighed in disappointment, but there wasn't much he could do about that. 

2am. The four of them were still in the bar area, absolutely pissed out their minds. David sat listening to Alex go on about some actress who wouldn't leave him alone but David couldn't help but notice how...close Damon and Jarvis were. 

David watched as Damon laughed at every word Jarvis said, placing his hand on the other's boney knee.


	5. Chapter 5

Any normal British lad knows the feeling of waking up, not sure where you are, the only feeling being your pounding headache. This was the case for the frontman of pulp, two members of blur and the U.K. Prime Minister. David sat up groaning. He found himself spread across his grand staircase in the hallway. 

David awkwardly stumbled to his feet and looked outside the window. There, in one of the hedges of his gigantic garden, two legs stuck out. It just had to be Alex. Question was, where are Jarvis and Damon?

"Alex? Alex get out of there!" David was searching through the bush to try and find the body the legs belonged to. 

"I can't, I'm stuck," he heard a soft whimper say.

David walked behind the bush, grabbed Alex's two legs and with the little strength he had in him, yanked him out. 

"How the hell did you end up here?" David questioned, helping Alex brush off the leaves and twigs and...bugs in his hair.

"David?" Alex was surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Alex, this is my house," David rolled his eyes.

"Why am I in your house?" 

David groaned, explaining the whole situation again.

Alex laughed, "I know, it's just funny to hear you say it."

The pair went back into the house and decided to check the bar where the night originally took place. Jarvis had his face flat against the bar top and Damon was sprawled across the couch. 

Alex, being Alex, jumped on top of Damon, who bolted up and threw the brunet off him. This of course woke Jarvis up, who began to complain about his old man back. David clearly forgot he wasn't 20 year old anymore, and this certainly wasn't Eton.

What was this? David didn't even know. He slowly began to remember everything. Jarvis, the cute fish monger, thinking David is Dave Rowntree from blur, two members of blur coming over to his house to pretend this is true, and the singer of blur flirting with David's secret boyfriend (let's not forget David is married). 

But was something actually happening between Damon and Jarvis? He knew they were good friends, and they were pretty flirty. But then again, Alex and David were good friends, and David had never met anyone who flirted as much as Alex (this was giving David terrible flashbacks, if you know what I mean). 

David snapped back to reality when Jarvis and Damon gave each other a knowing look then burst out laughing. If David had a heart he would feel it drop. Maybe he was just overthinking things, but at this point David was an expert at cheating and knew something was going on.

Don't get it wrong, David liked Damon. He was talented, a good laugh and he could see how someone would be attracted to him. David, despite being significantly younger than Jarvis, looked the oldest due to the stress that comes with being the prime minister of Britain. 

Shit!

He was the prime minister of Britain! Leading this double life was taking a toll on him, he completely forgot he had to be at Prime Minister Questions in an hour!

David was bored senseless, and this was the good part of PMQs. However, when a little old communist is giving a ten minute speech on "Carol Ann from Sussex recently lost her two legs and you said she's fit for work as a taxi driver, what the fuck David" and angry scots are yet again begging for the Scotland bill and you just lie saying it's already in place, it gets rather tiresome. David couldn't even remember the name of the LibDem leader, but he went on anyway. Looking around he could tell he wasn't the only person in the room not listening. 

It was the SNP's turn to question him again, not doubt it would be about the Scotland Bill, it always is. Maybe David should actually answer the question and maybe he wouldn't have to keep hearing about it.

Surprisingly (kinda), it was on a second Independence referendum. David lowkey wishes Scotland would just leave, but a lot of money comes from there so he campaigned against (besides Jarvis, David's other lover was those sweet pound notes). However, something the short ginger man said really grabbed David's attention, and the whole House of Commons' attention for that matter. 

"If only the prime minister could see the relationship between Scotland and England isn't working out, a bit like his own relationship judging by the pictures in the newspaper."


	6. Chapter 6

David sat at the edge of the benches, head in his hands. The House of Commons was empty except from the weeping prime minister sitting feeling sorry for himself. He had just refused to comment on the issue. 

He suddenly felt his best friends hand on his shoulder, and in a comforting voice he heard "I'm sorry mate."

"I don't understand how they found out? Is it really in all the newspapers?" David hadn't even dared to look at the front pages yet. He was so embarrassed.

"Unfortunately for you, yes. I always knew she was cheating scum anyway, didn't I tell you?" George replied.

"What?" David was confused. Who's she?

"Remember that time we all went out to the bar and Samantha was totally eyeing up that Italian guy, and then she disappeared for like twenty minutes? I knew it then," George said.

Samantha cheating on him? Was that the story dominated the newspaper? It wasn't David who was caught? Thank the Lord.

David was so relieved to find out the British public didn't know he was having an affair with ex pop star now fish monger Jarvis cocker. 

He wasnt particularly pissed off his wife had been cheating on it. He was glad of it. 

-

David marched down the familiar side alley, past the countless stalls to where Jarvis was located. It was nearing 5pm and he was still working. David had never heard of such a thing.

After the relief of getting out of a dodgy relationship David soon realised Jarvis has probably watched the news, heard the radio or read the papers. He knew he had to face him at one point, so why not in a public area where Jarvis worked?

"Hey honey," David greeted.

"Hey babe, I'm exhausted, been working all day without a break," Jarvis replied. 

He hadn't seen the news...yet.

"Come to mine after work and we can netflix and chill?" David had heard of Netflix and chill on Twitter, but he wasn't sure what it meant. 

Jarvis replied he didn't know what Netflix was. Maybe David didn't have to worry about Jarvis finding out, he appeared to be living in the Stone Age. 

Or maybe, David could get something even bigger to make the news.

-  
6:30pm

Jarvis was arriving at 8pm.

David was sitting in the living room with his best friend Alex James, trying to come up with an even bigger news story for tomorrow's headlines.

"Could oasis not reunite for a few hours? That would be massive," David suggested.

Alex shook his head before jumping up with an 'aha!'

"I know a guy who knows a girl who knows a guy who knows a guy which might make big news," Alex said.

"What? Who?" David asked.

"The less you know the better," Alex replied, standing up and leaving the room.

-

The next morning, 10am

David woke up to the light seeping through the blinds. He rolled over to find the fish monger lying beside him, still peacefully sleeping. The first thing David thought of was Alex, and he prayed he'd found an alternative to yesterday's news.

Jarvis woke up cause he felt David staring at him. 

"Morning," Jarvis yawned.

"Morning," David smiled back.

Jarvis suggested they watch the news, as the morning was the only time he was free to catch it. David agreed, finding no excuse to back out of it.

David could of died when he turned on the TV and saw the headline:

"Queen Elizabeth, found murdered in her bedroom, angry vegetarian Morrissey found wandering outside Buckingham Palace"


	7. Chapter 7

David couldn't believe it. He didn't know what to feel. He was a massive fan of the smiths, but obviously he had to be loyal to the queen. Was this the distraction Alex was talking about? 

"Sad day," Jarvis said.

David just nodded, completely speechless. At least he was off the news.

David was also so very happy Alex picked something where he was gonna have to run around making speeches and meeting people for the next few days. 

Jarvis had to go back to work at the fish market. The press were crowded outside the house, so Jarvis had to sneak out the back door. David hated dealing with the media, but it was all part of being prime minister of the United Kingdom. 

-2 months later- 

David barely slept anymore. When he did, he'd have the nightmares.

_"I don't love you anymore."_

_"I don't understand, I gave up everything for you?"_

_"David, I'm with Damon now, please accept that."_

_"I can't I don't want to lose you Jarvis."_

_"Bye David, don't come near me or my fish market again."_

David would wake up covered in sweat after these nightmares. Sometimes Jarvis would be there, sometimes he wasn't. 

The public didn't know about Jarvis and David, which was good. In the same way David didn't know if Jarvis was actually having an affair with Damon Albarn. It was ever since that one night, he's just been completely paranoid. David learned Jarvis actually used to teach Damon cheerleading in high school, so he knew he was gay after hearing about THAT drama. 

I suppose since David has been cheated on by Samantha those many months ago, he has a good reason to be paranoid. Would Jarvis ever do such a thing? Who knows. However David knew something fishy was going on. 

Jarvis was the love of David's thing he calls 'life'. When people are getting on at him for being a cold-hearted, evil murderer, he thinks of the tall, skinny, greasy man and it makes his day. 

They had been dating for a while now, and David knew Jarvis was busy with work, but luckily he got the next few days off. David wanted to surprise Jarvis. 

It was 6pm now. David spent the last few hours getting washed and ready to surprise Jarvis with a date night. He deserved it, David thought. Jarvis lived in the other side of London, so he had to be careful with traveling. David subtlety got the train with his black hood up and got off three stops later where a black cab was waiting. He rode to Jarvis' house, which was about twenty minutes from there. 

David paid the taxi driver and got out the car. He looked up at the very small but cute house where his boyfriend stayed. Something felt...wrong.

He heard noises coming from the bedroom and he looked up at the window. Not only did he hear the sound of laughter and good banter, but he looked up to the window where there were two figures. One of them was unmistakably Jarvis and the other he wasn't so sure, but he could take a guess.

The two shadows were relatively close, expressing joy and they were in the bedroom. David's heart shattered. He knew it.

David managed to flag down the taxi again and gave him the address of his best friend Alex, who lived around half way between the prime minister and his boyfriend. The full taxi journey David was sweating, shaking and trying so hard not to cry.

David, being the massive hypocrite he was, repeatedly asked himself "how could he do this? How could Jarvis cheat?"

David was right when he woke up hyperventilating from those nightmares. He never wanted them to come true.

David paid the driver again and ran up to the black door of one of his best friend's house. 

"David, what's wrong? It's late," Alex asked. He was only wearing a pair of loose white boxers.

"I-I ...was right- I-" David was a mumbling mess trying not to cry.

Alex took David in and lead him towards the living room.

"I knew - knew it, I fucking knew it..." David said.

"David, please tell me what's wrong," Alex pleaded.

"It's Jarvis he's cheating on me with Damon! D-Damon I knew it!" David stuttered.

"David, Jarvis isn't cheating on you with Damon," Alex replied.

David was furious, "yes he is! I saw them with my own two eyes Alex I was just at his house!"

Alex sighed and opened the living room door. David nearly died when he saw Damon Albarn sprawled across Alex's couch, watching a movie with some popcorn.

"David! How have you been?" The blonde smiled.

Who was in Jarvis' bedroom?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's done folks

"David, please calm down, explain to us what happened."

"I don't understand...I'm" David was pacing around with his hands in his hair muttering to himself. Alex was worried about his friend and Damon had no idea what was going on.

"I-I wanted to surprise him, so I went to his house and someone was with...in his bedroom, laughing." David couldn't even say his name.

Alex managed to sit David down on the couch and grabbed his hand, shushing him.

"Maybe it's not what it looks like," Alex suggested.

David snorted, "I'll be honest, all this time i thought it was you Damon."

Damon burst out laughing, "me and Jarvis? No way man, I'm taken anyway."

David sighed. He didn't know if this was worse or better.

"Here's what we'll do, we'll all go over to jarvis' place right now and you can wait in the car and either Damon or me will go see who's in there yeah?" Alex suggested.

David nodded and Alex helped him to his feet. Alex and Damon quickly got organised and they all huddled into the car outside and Alex drove.

They finally reached jarvis' house, and just in time too, for someone was leaving. They parked across the road, so it didn't look too suspicious. All three of them remained in the car, closely watching the dark figure coming out of Jarvis' house. David couldn't believe his eyes.

His best friend. The dark haired man who stood by everything he'd ever did. Through college, and now through his days as prime minister. 

George Osborne.

David, filled with rage, burst open the car door in anger and immediately marched across the road, screaming the Chancellor's name.

"GEORGE!! IM GOING TO-" 

*Bang*

"DAVID!!"

Four men hurried over to the lifeless corpse on the ground. He didn't make it. The driver got out the car, asking if he was okay.

"Gordon?" Alex said confused.

"Shit!! Did I just kill the prime minister," the infamous TV chef spoke.

"Looks like it," Damon replied.

"Prime minister?" Jarvis questioned, very confused.

"Another time Jarv," Damon told him.

George was paler than what he usually was, watching the life drain from his best friend's limp body. Jarvis ran inside to call an ambulance as both Damon and Gordon watched their friend Alex hunched over the corpse, crying into his chest. 

Alex, ignoring the blood covering his hand, stroked the prime minister's hair before whispering, "I've always loved you."


End file.
